Teender— Ethical considerations of online teen dating Part 2
As I wrote in my previous post, I believe that online teen dating is layered and complex. I hold the duality of both desiring to protect teens from predatory adults who may be attempting to manipulate and groom minors for exploitative reasons alongside wanting to encourage teens and especially queer teens to express themselves and develop close relationships with other queer folk. It can be healing and encouraging for queer teens to build and foster community with other queer folks (older and younger).
On the topic of teen dating——-
Teens exploring their sexuality is normal and natural.
Again, for the folks in the back…..
It is normal and natural for your teens to explore their sexuality and sexual identity.
However, the landscape of dating apps and social media platforms can be quite treacherous and not as helpful for our zoomer generation.
Some parents have reacted to online bullying and fears around predatory sexual relationships by enforcing rules around what apps are on the phones of their teens. Unfortunately for parents, a quick google search can show one how to easily work around these rules. There are many websites that provide easy information for teens to secretly have apps on their phones as well as ways to delete and redownload offending material. It becomes quite clear, the solution can’t rely on solely enforcing rules of what is OK and not OK— there needs to be consistent communication between parent and teen as well as ways for teens to understand if their boundaries are being crossed and what to do when that happens.
I think it’s quite helpful to have an explicit idea of what it feels like on the cognitive (thoughts), emotional (feeling-state) and sensorimotor levels when our boundaries are pushed. In theory, people understand the word boundary. However, when I ask my clients initially to explain what a boundary is— I get a whole out of confusion and lack of clarity.
Boundary Experiment
One experiment I love to do during a session with a client is all about understanding what a boundary is and what it feels like when our boundaries are pushed or crossed. I use the word experiment because we are experimenting with a given topic, without a clear understanding of what exactly will happen.
When I set up the experiment I place my client on one side of the room and myself on the other side. I explain to them that I will be walking slowly towards them and that we must maintain eye contact the entire exercise. I note that no matter what happens, I will not touch them. I explain that when they start to feel uncomfortable with me walking slowly towards them, I’d like them to ask me to stop walking towards them. We explore the thoughts, feelings and body-sensations that arise when they feel like their boundary is being pushed by me coming closer to them. During the exercise it’s quite normal for my clients to become uncomfortable— giggling, getting jittery in their body, etc.
I ask them what it feels like to have someone stop when they ask for them to stop. This is a pretty quick and simple way to explain a boundary. During the experiment, I may take a step closer, which allows us to examine if distress increases in the body. If it does, we explore how it increases. Then I instruct the client to ask me to step backwards and as I do, we explore how their feelings of distress decrease. I encourage them to practice this experiment with their close friends and family at home. We can explore how the stopping line might be sooner or later depending on the client’s level of trust with that person. Practicing this experiment with others provides the client with an understanding that boundaries can look different with different folks.
As a result of this experiment, the client better understands how their body uniquely responds to boundaries being pushed as well as boundaries being crossed. I believe that this kind of experiment could provide a client with a better framework to communicate about boundaries. I repeat many times during talks about boundaries that boundaries are normal, natural, a part of every relationship, and are asserted and maintained to preserve the relationship we wish to have.
If a teen has a better understanding of boundaries—how to communicate about them, what it feels like when they are pushed or crossed, what it feels like when they are respected— they will be able to better conceptualize when they are in relation with people who are not respecting their boundaries and autonomy. For a teen who is starting to date others, having a clear understanding of boundaries is essential.
The next part of Teender Part 3 (Ethical Considerations of Online Teen Dating) we will explore ways for parents to work on communication with their teens and more!
meghan@temperancetherapies.com
612.367.7286
Meeting clients at the Ivy Building (2637 27th Ave S, Suite 216 B, Minneapolis, MN 55406)
in the Seward neighborhood of South Minneapolis
—-and——
Offering online therapy within greater Minnesota
