Teender— Ethical considerations of online teen dating
I primarily worked with adult clients— usually femme-identified folks in their 20s and 30s. Many of my clients are younger queer adults who may struggle with their past or present romantic relationships. We’ve all been there— struggles in relationships are pretty standard. Sometimes discussing relationships takes center focus in therapy and sometimes it’s more background noise. One drastic change that I’ve seen through the years during these relational talks is a boom in online dating apps as the next way to meet a significant other or a one-night-stand. Online dating has taken center stage as a top way to hook-up and/or date new folks.
There’s been a long and rich history for LGBTQIA+ folks around ad-solicitations for sexual, intimate and/or romantic relationships. Ad-solicitations allow folks to explicitly express desires and interests in ways that feel safe enough. Thanks to having our phones glued to our sides, backpage ads have turned into hook-up and dating apps. For queer folks, an app can provide a sense of security, knowing that there are other queer-identified available folks— only a click away. And, if one app doesn’t feel as exciting to someone— there are many other options available. When I’m writing about dating and hook-up apps, I’m thinking about: Tinder, Grindr, OK Cupid, Bumble, HER, Hinge, Lex.
Apps can be simple, sexy, and straight forward. And they’ve moved into the mainstream as a way to build new connections with other people. To be honest, I become surprised when a client tells me that they met their new partner outside of dating and hook-up apps. The phone or god-box has become the ultimate match-maker. The part where it becomes tricky is when dating and hook-up apps involve our gen z teens and minors.
Although they are technically not allowed to join until 18 (the age of consent), some teens experiment with these dating and hook-up apps with regular consistency as minors. Sometimes it’s just talking with other folks on the apps and maybe swiping on the occasional person. Other times it could be meeting adults in person. Many of the teens that I work with have a grounded sense of judgement and self-awareness in the choices that they make. They are pretty solid with decision-making. They understand that talking to people on dating apps as a minor is not the most grounded choice. However, on a more macro scale, we’ve collectively moved towards socializing and developing relationships/community online. So it’s not wild to believe that teens are wanting to do that as well.
This is a delicate topic that very much keeps me up at night. I hold the duality of wanting to protect teens from predatory adults who may attempt to manipulate and groom minors for exploitative reasons alongside wanting to encourage teens and especially queer teens to express themselves and develop close relationships with other queer folk.
In my next post, part 2 of Teender (the ethical considerations of online teen dating), I’ll explore ways to encourage teens to explore their sexuality while also helping to deepen their insights into what feels manipulative, non consensual, or exploitative.
meghan@temperancetherapies.com
612.367.7286
Meeting clients at the Ivy Building (2637 27th Ave S, Suite 216 B, Minneapolis, MN 55406)
in the Seward neighborhood of South Minneapolis
—-and——
Offering online therapy within greater Minnesota
